Obligatory Summer Fanservice Event [Non-Canon, yo!]

[OLDROXY]

((Mod note: this is a completely non-canon thread, just to celebrate the return of Pokéstuck and the beginning of summer! It can be a ridiculous and cracky as you like, go nuts.))

SNOP!

Roxy waved her camera like a weapon; nothing like "superstitiously" snapping the pictures of a buncha SEXI-ASS-DUDES.

It was the summer and Roxy had decided to host a totally rad BEACH PARTY. But It looked like she was the first there! So hey, what else was there to do with her time. 

Roxy was wearing a dark pink bikini top without any straps that showed off her sexi shoulders and also her boobs. She also had on a pair of bikini bottoms that showed off her legs I guess, although her legs were always on show anyway. If she'd entered a Pokemon contest looking like this she'd probably get called a slut but because it's the beach it's okay. Also her hair was golden and shimmering in the sunlight like a golden hare. She'd thought about tying it up but didnt in the end because it was just looking so damn fine that it would have been a waste, also I couldn't find an icon of her with her hair tied up. 

She struck a sexy pose [pictured above] and waited for her friends to arrive.

[Rufioh Nitram]

Wait, who's that cool dude on the beach? When did he get here? He sure came in quietly. Looks like Rufioh's here to hang out too. He didn't feel like struggling with his weird vest at the beach, so he's just shirtless today. Of course this runs the risk of having that SCULPTED CHEST caressed by adoring fans. Not that he's into that kinda attention. He also apparently wears skinny girl jeans??? Well, he supposes he can catch some rays, work on his tan. Of course, just being out in the sun, period, would probably burn his grey skin and vaporize up his thin wings, nevermind being shirtless and exposed. Being noncanon sure is handy.

[Eridan Ampora]

Suddenly music hits from somewhere, because fuck your logic we're in the land without canon now. A man appears from the waves, a troll man, a sea-troll man, rising from the water in beautiful slow motion. He shakes the water off himself and we see each glistening drop fly from his sculpted body in glorious high definition.

The sea-god poses, thrusting his crotch in Roxy's direction.



Wait no that's not nearly sexy enough.

How about...



There, that's a lot better, now- WAIT what the fuck what is that load gaper doing there? ABORT. ABSCOND.

Hmm.



...it'll have to do.

With a grin, he speaks.

"Hey Rox, howw do you like me noww?"

[OLDDIRK]

The batmobile races down the streets of Fuschia, piloted by one Dirk Strider. Upon seeing "fanservice" in the title, he felt it appropriate to drive fifty miles over the speed limit in a crowded urban area. Or kilometers I guess, since this is technically Japan. Nothing was going to stop him from getting the D in this topic.

Nothing except one Roxy Lalonde. Dirk parks at the edge of the sea, observing the character he is frequently shipped with displaying her objectively attractive assets. "Fuck," he thinks. "I'm sorry I have to do this Rox, but we both know that our muns have no time or patience for this shit. You'll thank me later for this." He accelerates to 80 miles an hour, hitting Roxy and launching her at least 50 meters into the sea. "I know Kat ships you with that douchey sea troll, so maybe he'll come rescue you? Or maybe you'll drown. I don't know and I don't care. Smell ya later."

Dirk scans the horizon, looking for any attractive beaus to hit on. Let's see, Equius isn't here. Horuss and Karkat don't currently exist in this AU. Dirk racks his brains, trying to think of a troll that his mun would be ok with him hitting on.

Wait, who's this bishie looking dude? He could respect anyone with that level of anime hair. He cranks his windows down and rolls slowly up towards the winged twink, turning up the speakers as he approaches.



He pushes his glasses down and stares directly at (who he would later learn to be) Rufioh, singing along with the music as he passes. "I know karate, I know jiu-jitsu, I drive like a gangsta when I'm comin' to see you."

Dirk makes a U-turn and parks at the attractive stranger's side, opening his door and stepping out. "Hey babe. Wanna check out my sword?" His literal sword was propped up and buckled in the driver's seat. Once he saw that thing, he'd surely want to rip off Dirk's pants on the spot.

[OldKanaya]

[[that picture of eridan is REALLY CUTE and oh dear god Dirk. okay post time]]

Kanaya was lounging in a beach chair, shades covering her eyes and Rainbow Sangria swirling idly in the glass in her hand. A beach trip was just what she needed as a break from all the crazy adventures in her Pokemon journey. Actually, she wasn't 100 percent sure where her Pokemon even was right now. She thinks the pokeball must be in her bag. Or something like that. She had the feeling that it didn't really matter right now.

Lowering her shades, she scowled in Eridan's general direction. "Oh Eridan Leave The Poor Girl Alone She Wants Nothing To Do With Your Bulge. Or Any Part Of You For That Matter." A smirk played at her lips as she eagerly awaited his own banter right back. She had grown accustomed to his attempts at blackrom. Then she nearly dropped her drink as Roxy was thrown into the waters. Immediately she was compelled to save the young human and insist on giving her mouth to mouth. But instead she waits for the cries of "HELP" which can probably be counted as consent for kisses. And saving her life, of course.

Rema

[Eridan Ampora]

"Wwhat."

That wasn't supposed to happen. Where did that nocturnal-flapbeast-themed four wheel device come from in the first place, why did it hit his nemesis, and how did she survive that impact? He narrows his eyes at the driver of the vehicle, but even aided by the lack of canon he fails to use out-of-character knowledge of human familial and sexual relationships to determine the link between the Striders and the Lalondes. Whatever. That's not important. What's important is that his enemy might be drowning? And maybe that's a good thing?

Ugh, Kanaya's making fun of him again. How to spin this, how to spin this...

"Uh... look!" he shouts, waving his hands at the waters, "As a sea-dwwellin troll I am master of the wwavves! See noww howw my ocean threatens to consume the drunken slattern and drag her dowwn into its depths! Truly this wwill teach the trollop not to profane it wwith her vvomit an her garbage evver again! Truly I am king of the sea!"

[Meenah Peixes]

Arriving onto the scene via water, she apparently decided to come up with a volleyball of some sort when she heard the ruckus up above. For unexplained reasons, the seadweller also thought it was appropriate to dress for the occasion of swimming as if she didn't swim in her casual clothes all the time. But what exactly was logic? Being able to witness at least part of the impact, she gave a loud whistle with a satisfied grin. How's that for a good way to start off the day? A bitch in the water after getting hit by some sort of advanced four-wheeled device. Ah, sounds like a good 5-second show. Looks like some punk is trying to say he was the ruler of the seas. Pft, obviously he needed to get his priorities straight. Dropping the volleyball to the ground, she planted a foot onto it. Spinning her 2x3dent out of seemingly thin air, she grabbed it with both of her hands and shouted in his direction: "Hey asshoal!" Edging closer, she made sure to raise her trident and give it a good throw. Launching it, it narrowly missed him and landed in the sand right next to him. Hah, good aim Peixes! That ought to at least give him a temporary fright. Or show him that there's a FUCHSIA-BLOOD on the scene. "Get off your high seahorse and take that attitide away, will ya'? You're just clamoring to seariously be aquainted with the reel captain of the seas!" Barring the fact that she had not much of a desire to actually take up the throne on the hierarchy biz if it involved being a dumb slave with a crown.

[Aradia Megido]

Aradia wasn't particularly fond of the beach for the water itself as she arrived mere moments after Dirk had left and Roxy was now in the water. Shrugging she headed over to a spot on the beach a little off to the side as she set down her bag and prepared for the only thing she'd want to do here- dig. Excavation time was beach time. Sitting down on the sand she watched the others as they messed around before digging in her bag for her digging tools that she had brought along.

[Aranea Serket]

Quite the crowd seemed to be gathering as Aranea arrived on the scene. She noticed Cronus's descendant and shook her head before spotting Porrim's descendant. She wasn't so bad, she was at least nice to talk to it seemed. She then scanned and noticed Damara's descendant off to the side and yet again thought of how different the two of them were before noticing the flailing human out in the water and then Meenah on the beach. Adjusting her glasses a moment to make sure she was presentable, she began to walk down the beach towards Meenah. "At first I was led to 8elieve you intended to hit him." Aranea says as she walks up next to Meenah, eyeing the trident now stabbed into the ground in front of Eridan.

[oldTerezi]

Suddenly and inexplicably, the whole scene seems to slow and quiet. People look around, bemused - Is that...
[FAINT RAP MUSIC PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE]...?

Without warning, there is a screech of tyres as a sleek red ferrari comes roaring towards the beach, bouncing on several slopes and swerving wildly. A slow-motion shot shows the car from underneath as it hits a particularly large bump, catching a gleam of sun on its underside as it soars majestically through the air.



It looks like Dirk wasn't the only one with a hot ride. Music blaring loudly from the speakers, Terezi, Dave and a small red nakkadile (Which is totally a pokemon okay) scorch their way towards the others, sweeping, turning, gliding, hitting a curb, flipping sideways over a railing, soaring some more, tumbling, doing a barrel roll in mid-air before gracefully coming down on the back of dirk's car, right side up, with a sickening crunch of bending and breaking metal. Apparently not having been briefed on road safety, the Nakkadile is sent flying from its seat, coming down with a splash some distance away, next to Roxy. It peeks its head above the water and totally flips out excitedly, nakking loudly and splashing around wildly next to her.

You see, this is what happens when you let the blind girl drive.

"S3X1ST!"

OH YOU ARE SO TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT. Whatever.

Apparently unfazed by this wanton automobile destruction, Terezi appears from inside the car, hopping over the side and landing softly on the sand. She dusts herself off a little - Got to look good for the fans! She is so totally the best character, after all. She even got a ride with this cool kid here - well, took him for a ride. In his car. "4CTU4LLY 1TS JUST 4 MODD3D B1CYCL3 SPR1T3 BUT SHHHH" ...She says out loud. "OH 4ND SORRY FOR TH3 M3SSY P4RK1NG D4V3, 1 TH1NK 1 H1T SOM3TH1NG BUT 1T SHOULDNT H4V3 D3NT3D TOO B4D" With that, she stretches, showing off dat fine body, mmm yeah, shake dat ass, gurl. "SO 1 GU3SS TH3 P4RTYS ST4RT3D NOW W3R3 H3R3?" Grinning, she walks away from the wreckage and chaos left behind her, either oblivious or simply not caring about the trail of rubble, burnt rubber and various injured pedestrians that winds back into the city.

[Jane Crocker]

Jane had arrived a few moments before Dirk did, and could only watch as he slammed the Batmobile into Roxy. As she watched her friend pull a Team Rocket, she couldn't help but stare at Dirk trying to flirt with some guy with wings. He really ought to be more careful. And have better aim. He could have just tossed her right into the fish guy, but instead he hit her into the water. Sighing, she tugged her fedora down and glanced around. Nobody else here that she knew. Where was he? She could have sworn he was going to be here and at least make some decent company so that she wasn't completely alone on the beach. Then she recalled how non-canon this was. So she just plopped her butt down on her towel and let her pokemon bury her in sand. Better than just waiting around like a dummy.

[OldDave]

Having somehow appeared in the wildly driven car, Dave had immediately decided not to care, and instead groove to the sick beat that was Jay-Z's song. The fact that the car was nearly not on the road, not really occurring to him, as he was too busy being goddamn pissed off at the mother fucking nakkadile that would never shut it's freaking face.
Not so much of a problem when it flies out and into the water - he'd make sure to avoid it for the rest of the day.

Suddenly transformed as he got out of the car, Dave flipped his hair, his expression stony, and wondered why he'd never been asked to model before. Maybe it's because he's pale as paper and never smiles. Oh well. Conjuring a surfboard under his arm out of nowhere like all Pokémon trainers do with their objects, he waved his hand dismissively at Terezi in a strictly COOL-KID manner.

"I didn't notice shit," he replied, walking past the half squashed batmobile and onto the sand. His eyes fell on Roxy, and he debated going baywatch style to save her with his surfboard, but figured the nakkadile was too close, and changed direction - the sea a good 20 meters away worked for him.

[Kankri Vantas]

Kankri had stumbled on a beach party. Revealing swimsuits for girls, bare chests on men? It was almost too much to bear. He could feel a single, beautiful red tear (though not a tear of blood, a tear of blood color) cascade down his cheek. When it had fallen to the ground, leaving a dark spot in the sand, he pulled out his whistle and blew and blew and blew.

“What the hell are you doing you motherfukers!” He screamed, his throat burning with the fire of a thousand hot suns. (It was …………………………………………………….Kankri!) “Showing off your bodies like this – it can be extremely triggering!”

When he was sure he had caught everyone’s attention (whether or not he actually did) he continued.

“Many people are extremely uncomfortable about their bodies! They become anorexic or bulimic or something and they are really sad! They might have species dysphoria! Beings with the body of a human or a troll may identify as something else! They might identify as a species of Pokémon or a ghost or an alien or a non-existent species or a robot or a car or a boat or a building and there’s so much more! By the way when I said non-existent species I mean a creature that isn’t alive on its own! Its only existence is those who identify as it, and thus, are it! Like mermaids! People might see your bodies and be sad and think, “oh no! My body is all wrong and gross! I don’t have wings or I don’t have a tail or I’m not an Absol! Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be happy?” and then they could be extremely triggered! Think about what you are doing! Think about your Pokémon! What if your Pokémon identify as humans or trolls and see your body and think “oh no, I’ll never be normal! My friend or trainer or enslaver is beautiful and has the right body and I don’t and never will!” and you’re triggering people! Please put on your clothes now and stop triggering people! Everything will be okay if you put your clothes back on! We can have a nice party with festivities and games and non-alcoholic beverages and mild romance, with no sexual activities or implications, if you put your clothes back on! Everything will be wonderful and happy!” Kankri exclaimed.

[Eridan Ampora]

Eridan's eyes practically pop out of his head as a 2x3dent lands in the sand next to him. Not because he's just been attacked, more because...

"FEF? I didn't think you'd posted anything in an RP thread yet!"

He takes a step closer, squinting.

"Wwait."

He takes another step closer, adjusting his glasses.

"Dammit you're somebody else. I mean not that you don't look good! And not that I don't respect the color of your blood or anythin. Us royal types havve got to stick together, step on peasants together, all that. But I wwas expecting someone different. She and I kind of had a thing once. Maybe. I can't remember wwhether wwe did in this canon or not. But wwe might havve. And there might havve been or there might be being a series of heartbreaking misunderstandins that wwill turn me into a nihilistic shell of myself. So yeah that's wwhy its kind of important that I talk to her. The other heiress wwho kind of looks like you except not, that her."

These clearly all-consuming questions as to the identity of tyrian seatrolls quite completely occupy his attention despite the simultaneous occurrence of rather loud and spectacular displays of automotive and social incompetence from Terezi and Kankri, respectively.

[OLDROXY]

Roxy spluttered in the water, completely appalled. She could not fucking believe this shit. There had been what, 10 replies to the thread since she got hit by a car? And not one had lifted so much as a finger to save her!!!! DID THEY NOT NOTICE SHE GOT HIT BY A CAR

Her best friend Janey? Clearly didn't give two shits. Not even any of her supposed love interests! There she was thinking Dave and her had had something special. Clearly their brief conversation in Saffron had meant nothing to him <////3 And what about Eridan? Well, she shouldn't really have been expecting him to rescue her considering he'd never been anything more than a douche. But man, half his posts were about her! Did he not CARE

Sure, normally she'd be able to swim back to shore fine, but she'd been knocked out AT LEAST 50 METERS and was also INJURED FROM BEING RUN OVER.

WHY WEREN'T ANY OF THOSE FUCKERS TRYING TO HELP OMFG

"I'm gonna fuckin'... kill all of you..." She whispered as she started to sink, clinging onto the nakkadile in a attempt to stay afloat.