Obligatory Summer Fanservice Event [Non-Canon, yo!]

[Eridan Ampora]

Suddenly Eridan's keen hearing keenly hears something. Shut up he totally has keen hearing, it's an... adaptation to living underwater, or something. The mechanics aren't important. What's important is that what he hears... is a death threat.

"I'm gonna fuckin'... kill all of you..."

Oh my god, a death threat back! Sort of! It's an inclusive death threat, but... baby steps. She might start out hating other people too, you know, hating the field, but soon she'll realize that there's only one douchefish big enough to spade on in these waters. It's glorious. It's beautiful.

...but it'll kind of be ruined if she just actually dies.

"Hold that thought," he tells Meenah, "I must go. Lovve calls to me. Hate lovve."

And with that he gracefully swan dives into the ocean.

"BY THE WWAY!" he shouts in splutters as he bobs back and forth amidst the waves, "I'm totally not savvin you because I like you or anythin, Rox!"

He presumes, of course, that he isn't too busy being tsun-tsun to actually save her, which is probably not the case. And if you puzzled out that double negative, you'll realize that she might just drown anyway, if it will ultimately be funnier. Because what are we if not slaves to humor here in the land without canon?

[oldTerezi]

Obligatory outlandish background music that the author can't be bothered to think of a decent title for and hey this is a non-canon event so even pure laziness can be pulled off as a really clever joke if you play your cards right♪

Suddenly there's the piercing sound of a whistle and Terezi is literally knocked aside by an unforgiving wall of red text. DOOF.

TH3R3S 4N 1NT3R3ST1NG M1X3D T4ST3 OF CH3RRY 4ND 1RONY H3R3. 4LSO OUCH!

She picks herself up, turning and glaring at the source of this party-pooping wall of un-fun.
...No, to the left. OTHER left. Just... Hold on.

The narrator begs a moment of your time to manually turn Terezi to face the oth-G3T YOUR H4NDS OFF M3! OUCH OH GOD WHY IS THAT CANE SO DEADLY MY NOSE I'M BLEED-

The camera cuts for a minute while the narrator tends to his wounds. He appears, or, well, doesn't appear, because that's how narrators work, this is purely a metaphysical representation of what the narrator may or may not look like. Wait, he's a bit overdressed.
Theeeeere we go.
Mmm, much better.
4R3 YOU CH3CK1NG YOUR SP33DO-W34R1NG S3LF? N-no, it's a metaphysi-OK4Y YOU KNOW WH4T WH4T3V3R 1 4M SO B3YOND C4R1NG 4T TH1S PO1NT

BUT T4LK1NG OF SW1MW34R

She turns to Kankri- WOW, you actually got it right this time.

1 4CTU4LLY KN3W WH3R3 H3 W4S TH1S WHOL3 T1M3 1 W4S JUST M3SS1NG W1TH YOU
...
Okay.
Whatever.
I hate working with Trolls.

OH K4444NKR111111~
She trills, grinning as she produces an oh-so skimpy red pair of speedos with the cancer sign on the front.
1 R3GR3T TO 1NFORM YOU TH4T YOU H4V3 W4ND3R3D 1NTO TH3 WR3TCH3D H1V3 OF SCUM 4ND V1LL41NY TH4T 1S TH3 OBL1G4TORY B34CH 3P1SOD3 4ND MY OH MY 4R3 YOU OV3RDR3SS3D! NOW FOR TH3 MOST COM1C 1MP4CT TH1S 1S HOW TH1NGS 4R3 GONN4 GO DOWN - 1M GO1NG TO PUSH TH1S P41R OF SW1MM1NG TRUNKS 1N YOUR F4C3: YOU W1LL R3SPOND W1TH "OH NO NO W4Y TH3R3 1S NO W4Y 1 4M W34R1NG THOS3 TRUNKS! 1 W1LL R3SPOND W1TH "YOUR3 GONN4 DO 1T YOUR3 GONN4 W34R TH3S3 TRUNKS". TH1NGS W1LL GO B4CK 4ND FORTH TH4T W4Y 4 F3W T1M3S 4ND TH3N TH3 C4M3R4 W1LL CUT 4W4Y 4ND TH3N CUT B4CK TO YOU W34R1NG TH3S3 TRUNKS 4ND 1T W1LL B3 TH3 F1N3ST SC3N3 OF COM3DY GOLD 3V3R KNOWN TO 4 F4NS3RV1C3 3V3NT (4ND L3TS F4C3 1T TH4TS NOT R34LLY S3TT1NG 4 GOOD PR3C3D3NT)

Yep. She's doing this. She's waving the trunks in Kankri's face- rubbing them in his face, Terezi, careful or you'll literally force them down his throat, jesus.

[OldDave]

Dave found a pug. And kept surfing. He didn't give a shit about nothin'.

[Tavros Nitram]

hELP, Well, somebody decided that it was a good idea for a certain bronzeblooded paraplegic to take a dip in the ocean.

Well, looks like someone's gotta save him.

[OLDROXY]

"My HERO," Roxy said, half sarcastically and half seriously because he kind of was saving her life so he probably qualified? haha Eridan a hero WHAT WAS NEXT

Roxy clung to Eridan. Partially because she was drowning and partially also to feel up that HOT BOD. Hey, he may be a huge douchebag who she strongly disliked, but Roxy was never one to pass up up an opportunity for some action. 

Yes, she knew this didn't count even remotely, but if you hadn't noticed Roxy was kind of desperate. 

"Wait, Eri!" she cried, suddenly realizing something, "what about the nakkadile? The poor guy can't even swim a ligtle bit ands drowning and we can't leave him there to die!!!" Roxy cared very much about NPCs nobody else really gave a fuck about, (Kat would like to point out this is totally a mirror of when she went to round up those chess dudes in the fire). She either hadn't noticed Tavros, or had chosen to just not give a shit like 90% of the cast had done for her. 

[Wild Pokemon]

♪ Dun dun. Dun duuun. duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh... (etc) ♪

There was a low rumbling in the water, and the sound of the Jaws Theme Tune. (That's what the music is if u fuckers didn't click it.) It looked like the beachtime fun was not to last, if you could even call the bullshit going down right now fun. 



Seeing the struggling paraplegic, some douchebag surfing, some pseudo-romantic "rescue", and a flailing Nakkadile (was that even a Pokémon? What lazy writing, the least they could do was make it a Sandile), a wild Sharpedo's interest was piqued. By the way, it should be noted that it's name was not actually Jaws, that was simply the name of a popular Pokémon movie with a similar plot to this shitfest of an rp thread. 

Not that this was even part of the plot before?? whatever. 

The shark-Pokémon swam upwards like a bullet, and crushed the Nakkadile in it's huge JAWS. The sea was dyed red with Nakkadile blood. It looked between the actual player characters, pondering who else to eat. 

[OldDave]

Dave was looking awesome on the waves when he finally decided to notice shit. Roxy had been saved, that Nakkadile... died? a fin stuck out of the water, and Tavros flailed stupidly in the water. With a relieved sigh on the lack of Nakkadile and adjustment to his sunglasses, Dave swam like a dude to Tavros, and pulled him up with inhuman strength to sit next to him on his board.

He figured he should at least save one of the people in trouble right, and DaveTav is one of the writer's brotp's so, that shit seems logical. "What up," Dave said flexing his arm muscles which glinted in the sunlight because why the fuck not, "Saved your life. Let's get ice cream." With that, he began to try and catch a wave out of the water, trying to ignore the fact that his skin was nearly as red as his shorts - lil shit never used suncream.

[Wild Pokemon]

"Hello ladies.

Please, proceed with your fun in the sun.
I will be here.
Watching.

Allow me to render myself in more appropriate vestments for the situation.



Perfect.
I continue to be a wonderful chaperone as well as an excellent host."

[oldTerezi]

......TH1S 1S ON3 OF THOS3 T1M3S WH3R3 1M LUCKY TO B3 BL1ND 1SNT 1T

[Her Imperious Condescension]

As if on cue, a head pokes out of the water, the troll horns long and unmistakable. In the land of non-canon, the true ruler of the sea glares at the offensive display all over the beach. It was enough to make her cringe at the sight of the cue ball. Cod dammit what kind of a perverse being tries to be a chaperone to young innocent gills and buoys?

She blew some air into the water before her, trying to think of what to do as the Sharpedo that attacked the nakkodile reared its head beside her, jaws ready to strike. She turned her head and ran her fingers against its Rough Skin, giving it a smile that showed off her sharp teeth.

"Did we enjoy our snack?" She saw the shredded bones of the animal and nodded approvingly. "Good. Now Let me plot guppy." She murmured as she started swimming to shore, cursing her long horns.

[Eridan Ampora]

Eridan tried to look solemn as the Nakkadile was quickly and messily consumed by a Sharpedo. Tried to look solemn and not like an homage to this classic scene in a canon distant from this one. Maybe humor would help defuse the situation and keep everyone and everything from descending into a.) blind panic and b.) the hungry jaws of a ravenous Sharpedo.

"I think that Nakkadile is..."

Eridan slipped a pair of sunglasses over his regular glasses. Don't ask where they came from. Shh. It's not important. What's important is that the next thing he said was:

"...dead in the wwater."

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

That was a thing that actually happened, the YEAAAAAAAH. The cosmic forces of the non-canon universe conspired to make a CSI Miami joke. You're welcome.

"Seriously, though, wwe might wwant to start swwimmin towward shore pretty quickly unless those are pokeballs you'vve got in your gland hoisters."^[1]

IT WAS THEN THAT THIS POST WAS EDITED TO ACCOUNT FOR THE CONDESCE'S ARRIVAL.

"Or maybe the queen of Hoenn could showw up and effortlessly bend that Sharpedo to her wwill, that's another thing that might happen. But maybe wwe should keep heading for shore on account of you havvin been injured too much to swwim, seeing as howw that's wwhy I swwam out here in the first place."

Huh, that didn't sound antagonistic. Maybe...

"Maybe you wwould knoww better than to stand in the wway of nocturnal-flapbeast-themed four wwheel devvices in the first place if you wweren't such a drunken slattern."

There. That's better.

[1] "Gland hoisters" is a not-quite-canon troll term for bras, as seen in this tumblr post from Hussie. I can only assume that it would also be applicable to bikini tops.^[2]

[2] It should also be noted that bikini tops are probably rare in troll society, since I imagine that landdweller access to the ocean would be limited by the seadwelling hegemony, and seadwellers have been seen swimming comfortably in more or less anything.^[3]

[3] Even the most swimwear-like outfits seadwellers have been seen in, those of Feferi and the Condesce, more closely resemble a one-piece swimsuit and a wetsuit, respectively, not bikinis.^[4]

[4] I've probably carried this footnote joke out too far by this point, haven't I?

[The Ψiioniic]

His ear twitching, the man whipped his head up and hissed. "My evil bitch radar thentsssesths are tingling." He dropped everything he was doing (which to be fair wasn't really much. I mean, who in the world even got to the first gym yet?) because his priorities state that following this totally bogus radar was FAR more important to his life. Going through with it, he had raced to the beach where he found a bunch of lousy kids.

....AND EMPRESS HORNS. Cue the louder hissing.
"I thentssesthhh plotting in motion." NARROWS HIS EYES SUSPICIOUSLY.

[Her Imperious Condescension]

Oh shit its the popo.

Oh wait no its just that asshole. What was his name. Fishbait? Whale whatever. He wouldn't stop HER PLOTTING just by flashing those gaudy eyes at her. This was no time to mutter a small 'swoonami' from her the mun because obviously she didn't know the guy and probably wouldn't be romantically inclined in any way shape or form. Aint nobody got time fo that.

She glared at the guy on the shore and ducked under the water. She gripped her trident harder and broke through the surface to throw it at him, intent to kill rising. However, her aim was a little off and it 'whooshed' past his face

"Cod damn it." She mumbled angrily. "SAURRY I MISSED POPO." She yelled at him, a smirk on her lips as she rose from the water situated on a larger-than-average Tentacruel. Bitch be rollin around on a fancy ride.

[Clubs Deuce]

[OLDROXY]

Roxy rolled her eyes at Eridan's "insults". She could totally swim, maybe with like.... one arm? Yes, totally. She was contributing. They'd be away from this killer shark in no time.

She was privately surprised that he didn't run away as soon as the Sharpedo showed up. And more than a little grateful and admiring and touched. Not that she would say this out loud because wow you can't just TELL SOMEONE something like that that is SO not how these things go. The correct way to play out a terrible romantic subplot was to both act like there was no romantic subplot running and just insult each other a lot, that was how you built SEXUAL TENSION. maybe?

N-not that there was a romantic subplot here or anything! 

"I wasn't standing in front of Dirk's stupid batmobile, shitheel. The thing came outta nowhere! How was I supoposed to know that one of my best friends was going to resort to attempted murder to avoid a poten tial shippy situation??"

She made a mental note to retrieve her gun as soon as they got to shore, and take out the batterwitch!!! And at that moment they reached the shore bc Kat was wondering how long they really should be dragging out this self-indulgent rescue scene