John Roleplay Tutorials

[Kat]

Don't mind me, I'm just posting these here because the Trollmegle forums are unreliable as of late and I need a place to host these :)

[Kat]

So, John's movies! A lot of people seem to only ever talk about Con Air, when there are actually so many other things he's a fan of! Other Cage flicks and, you know, films without Nicolas Cage.

He honestly isn't limited to the action genre, either. John watched a whole bunch of different brands of shitty, and so I'm not sure where the idea of him likely solely bad action flicks with lots of explosions comes from.

Making references to dumb movies is something John does a lot. So it's best to familiarize yourself with at least a few of the posters on his wall. You don't even HAVE to watch them: just getting a general gist of each film through wiki/imdb pages is usually enough.

So, this is a list of all his movies and stuff, with him (or sometimes Dave or others) talking about them under the spoilers. Some of the stuff after his main movie posters is more speculative, but this is a good start for finding things to reference.

On the whole, John seems to go for bad action flicks, bad 80s family comedies, apocalypse movies, anything with Matthew McConaughey, classic games, and light sci-fi TV.

John's Movie Posters

Con Air
I feel like there's not much that needs to be said on the subject of this. Most Homestucks are pretty familiar with it, since it's referenced so often! Particularly the bunny scenes. Oh! But one thing. John doesn't only say "Nic Cage". Sometimes he spells it "Nick", too.

SPOILER: Click to show

TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up
EB: those are my dad's.
TG: i was talking about nick cage
EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.
TG: ha ha so lame
TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it
TG: hahaha

TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you
TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way
TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you
TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon

It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.
But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.
This is so awesome.

EB: i am just acting out a scene from an awesome movie and having some fun, what's wrong with that?
CG: WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY EARTH MOVIE IS THIS.
CG: STUPID RABBIT ASSHOLE SCREWS THE POOCH?
EB: no, it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team.
CG: OH.
CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS.
EB: it is sweet, so sweet, you would probably like it.

EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect.
EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect.
CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES?
CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES.
EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer.
CG: FUCK.
EB: i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well.

EB: this one here is so great. it is about this street tough renegade who did hard time behind bars, and wants nothing more in the world than to reunite with his loving wife and daughter. but not so fast! he has to go on crazy and dangerous escapades through the sky with a motley assortment of rogues led by john malkovich, who is wise to cage's heroic nature and pure heart. they tether a grumpy police man's awesome car to the plane and smash it, and then later they crash into some casinos. cage gets out of the wreckage and hugs his family, and i usually tear up a little.
EB: that is my working troll title for the movie, i hope it was ok.

Face/Off
John's never actually spoken about this one, but there's a poster of it on his wall. It is a horrendous action flick with Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. It's kind of hilarious. Interestingly, that and Con Air are the only two Nic Cage movies he has posters of.

Armageddon
Another trashy action flick. Actually, these three movies are about it as far as that genre goes. It is most notable for Liv Tyler, who John has a crush on.

SPOILER: Click to show

TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us
TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous
TG: sending men in space for savin us
TG: see which playa's more couragerous
TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce
TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it
TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it
TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous
TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss
TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous

Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

EB: i will name her liv tyler.
GG: ????
EB: the bunny.
GG: :|
GG: you mean from armageddon?
EB: yeah!
GG: john that is so stupid
GG: but also kind of cute i guess
GG: ok then the bunny will be named after your silly movie star fantasy crush
EB: it's too bad i can't marry liv instead of rose.

Deep Impact
This movie came out around the same time as Armageddon, and deal with a lot of the same ideas. Meteor coming to destroy the planet, and all. John's really into Apocalypse movies. The tone of this one is very different though, focusing on some of the "deep" questions and just generally being pretty serious. Also, Morgan Freeman is president. (It's not really a shitty movie, in my opinion?)

SPOILER: Click to show

Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.
OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES.
WOW.
Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a black president??? Now you've seen everything!

EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me.
EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.
TG: no stop
TG: just no
TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them

TG: ill have to make a rap about
TG: i dont know
TG: morgan freeman or something
TG: being the president
TG: itll be called
TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at
TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat
TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"
TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin
TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension
TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned

Little Monsters
This seems to be one of the movies forgotten most, which is a shame because it is talked about a LOT, and some of the funniest references are Little Monsters references. It's a horrible kids 80s movie. John probably likes it because it has a lot of pranks in it. He's a fan of Howie Mandel as well, calling him a "Hollywood Superstar" and just generally not seeming to realize how terrible he is.

SPOILER: Click to show

AG: I will 8e giving you the gift of immortality!
GT: oh sweet, that has been on my wish list, ranking just below a mint condition little monsters poster, starring hollywood superstar, howie mandel.

It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. The old man really came through this time.

EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here
EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?
TG: but
TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken
TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory
EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?
EB: try using your brain numbnuts.
TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like
TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous
EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.
TG: ok i can accept that
TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters
TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face
TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it

EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.
EB: like monsters or something.
TG: howie???
EB: haha I WISH.

GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works
GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like
TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.
TT: you look kind of like...
TT: howie mandel from little monsters.
TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster.
TT: because he was a big goofy adult.
TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick.
GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest
TT: no, it's a movie.
TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is.

Mac and Me
Another shitty 80s kids' movie, way, waaaaay worse than Little Monsters. It's a terrible rip-off of E.T. full of atrocious product placement and I totally recommend it if you like so-bad-it's-good movies. There's one great scene where a kid in a wheelchair falls off a cliff. Which doesn't sound funny but it is done so badly that it becomes hilarious. Even John admits this movie is awful.

SPOILER: Click to show

AG: Humans have literally the dum8est extraterrestrial lore. Weren't those supposed to 8e aliens on one of your posters?
GT: haha, you mean mac and me? yeah, even i can admit that movie was indefensible.

Ghost Dad
This one isn't talked about much either, which is a shame because it's one of the cheesiest and most hilariously poor movies ever. Stars Bill Cosby, who John seems to admire a lot.

SPOILER: Click to show

EB: yes, you are talking to the proud owner of a brand new BILL COSBY COMPUTER, ok?
GG: :O
EB: it is a stylish laptop in the shape of none other than bill cosby, the comedy LEGEND himself.
GG: omg
EB: he is looking a little sly, and fatherly, and he is wearing a sweater, and he is bill cosby.

AG: John, stop kissing that adult 8rown male human computer at once.
EB: but...
EB: it is bill cosby.
EB: he's back.
EB: in laptop form.

EB: but...
EB: i did see a black guy wrapped up in my ghosty bed sheets.
EB: he was acting very suspicious.
TT: A black guy?
EB: oh...
EB: i do not mean like, an african american or anything.
EB: like bill cosby.
TT: Thanks for clearing that up.
EB: r.i.p. bill. :(

EB: excuse me, but spending just a little quality time with my man bill here is not a w8stey w8ste at all.

Matthew McConaughey
He's an actor, not a movie, but I feel he deserves a special mention. John has an entire wall dedicated to Matthew McConaughey, and even watches movies outside his usual scope of interests because they star him. I think it is safe to say McConaughey is probably his favorite actor, not Cage. (Also, he does not deny having a crush on him and calls him beautiful, but that's more my own headcanon ignore me.)

SPOILER: Click to show

TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold
EB: mcconaughey.

TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust
TG: wait
TG: uh
TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he

This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think.

[/font]
[/spoiler]

Failure to Launch
It's the only romcom John seems to like? Although he obviously doesn't like it that much beyond Matthew's presence in the movie. (And so it's fair to say he'd probably enjoy "How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days" and "The Wedding Planner" too, since they're also Matthew romcoms.)

SPOILER: Click to show

You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.

Oh good lord.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE.
You wish the RAZOR would have failed to launch.

A Time To Kill
A movie about racism, kind of similar to To kill A Mockingbird. It's actually pretty good? McConaughey plays the lawyer.

SPOILER: Click to show

CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up]
NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.
You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good!

[/b][/spoiler]

Contact
This movie is kind of weird. John likes talking about this one a lot, even kind of analyzing the "meaning" of it. Earth picks up an alien signal and people on Earth spend a long time arguing over who gets to go investigate. It poses a lot of science vs religion questions. The ending is pretty crazy.

SPOILER: Click to show

GT: were you lured to earth by a huge gyroscopey thing that jodie foster piloted in contact, while matthew mcconaughey sort of acted as her spiritual guide i guess...
GA: What The Hell
GT: and then he kind of preached to her about having faith instead of believing in the sciences so hard all the time, and i guess in the end she believed him, maybe?
GT: actually, im not even sure what the point of mcconaughey was in that movie. but he was still awesome.
GT: and then jodie found her dad on an alien planet... but i think he was a ghost or something? or maybe an alien in disguise.
GT: and then she went home and nobody believed her, but you just KNOW mcconaughey believed her.
GT: because he had all the faith. and i mean ALL OF IT.

GT: are you a psychic alien? like the one who jodie foster met in contact, and assumed the form of her dead father to talk to her?
AG: As a matter of fact, yes, I am a psychic alien. 8ut that has nothing to do with this!
AG: These are our memories, and we are in the afterlife. I keep trying to tell you, and it's starting to get frustr8ing.
GT: i see. so it is not me who is jodie foster. it's more like you are jodie, because nobody believed her when she came home and had amazing tales to tell.
GT: except matthew mcconaughey.
AG: Aaaaaaaargh!
GT: but it's ok. i will be your matt mcconaughey.
AG: Does that mean you'll 8elieve me now?
GT: i guess i always did, sort of.

i guess contact mixes aliens and ghosts because jodie foster saw her ghost dad in outer space? but then, that was probably just a science projection from an alien, to make her feel less sad about her dead dad, and not a real ghost or anything. i guess the lesson is that science and aliens teach us that ghosts and religion are fake?

Ghostbusters
John has a poster of Ghostbusters 2, the shitty sequel, on his wall. But he seems to have an appreciation for the Ghostbusters series in general. (See the Games bit for the MMO.)

SPOILER: Click to show

science rarely enters the equation, unless it's something awesome like ghost busters, which makes ghosts and stuff ALL ABOUT science, even though the ghost science is obviously a bunch of total nonsense.

Other Movies
So, these are other movies John's briefly mentioned or discussed. They're not on his wall, so they're not be his favorites. But they might be worth noting, I guess.

Spy Kids
It's... pretty much what it says on the tin. John's narration mentions it once, and he apparently thinks it's a good movie.

SPOILER: Click to show

This is a pretty nice hands-free communication solution, and it makes you look way cooler, like one of the kids from SPY KIDS or something.

God that was a good movie.

REAL SPIES...only smaller

Superman
Briefly discussed with Karkat. John seems like he likes Superman, although not on that huge a scale. (Interesting, Karkat is totally familiar with Superman, too.)

SPOILER: Click to show

EB: so that means...
EB: we are all sort of like superman?
CG: UH YEAH, I GUESS.
EB: cool!
CG: YOU ALL TRACE THE MYTHOLOGICAL FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR BELOVED HUMAN SUPERMAN WHO'S REALLY JUST A MUSCULAR CAUCASIAN ALIEN.
CG: IT'S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN'T EVEN HUMAN.
CG: ACTUALLY IT'S INCREDIBLY PATHETIC.
CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE.
CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS.
CG: WE ARE, BITCHES.
EB: yeah, superman is pretty cool, i guess.
EB: did you know nicolas cage was almost going to play superman one time?
CG: OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT.

Serendipity
Karkat brings this up, John says this movie sucks, and that's all they really have to say about it. However, why John has even seen this movie to begin with is kind of suspect? (Maybe he hasn't and he was just trolling Karkat. Who knows.)

SPOILER: Click to show

CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK.
CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY?
CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK.
EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad!

Michael Cera
Again, not a movie. But John mentions this actor once, so maybe he's seen some of his films? Or Arrested Development, perhaps.

SPOILER: Click to show

On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.

Starsky and Hutch
This is clearly more a Dave than a John movie, but John's probably seen it too. It's a shitty comedy based on a 70s cop show.

SPOILER: Click to show

so i got you these. they're totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. i'm sure you'll dig them because i know you lolled so hard at that movie.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
This one's not certain, but he makes what was probably a reference? It also seems fitting with his usual type of movie, what with being an 80s sci-fci/comedy.

SPOILER: Click to show

GT: what does your time machine look like? a phone booth? phone booths are a popular thing for some reason.

Video Games
Ghostbusters II MMORPG
You see this in Act I in John's games cupboard, and then it shows up later on the ship and he plays it with Jade and everyone. It's terrible.

SPOILER: Click to show

JADE: john i really think we are scraping the bottom of the barrel here
JOHN: no way! this game rules.
JOHN: i just never gave it much playing time before because...
JOHN: well, i guess i always had better things to do.
JADE: thats sort of my point!
JADE: where did you even get this?
JOHN: years ago i found it in a store on the bargain rack.
JOHN: it was only a dollar! isn't that awesome?
JADE: :|

JOHN: i keep trying to tell the salamanders and chess guys not to cross the streams, but they keep crossing the streams!
JOHN: just between you and me, i think a lot of them aren't very bright.
JADE: why cant you cross the streams?
JOHN: jade, please.
JOHN: it is just something you can't do when you're a ghost buster, because it spells big trouble. everyone knows that.

JOHN: this game is actually really stupid in a lot of ways, now that i think about it.
JADE: noooooooooo!
JOHN: hey, shut up!
JOHN: i take it back, it's great in every way.

Little Monsters Game
An Atari game you see in with his Ghostbusters MMO in Act One. We don't know much about it, but it's probably godawful.

Harry Anderson: Call My Bloff
The third game on his shelf that isn't just a link to one of Hussie's projects. Don't know much about it. (More on Harry Anderson in TV.)

Crash Bandicoot
John says he liked playing this as a kid. Dunno if he still plays it, or the newer games, but he's probably familiar with the classic titles.

SPOILER: Click to show

CG: WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY?
CG: NAME ONE.
EB: ummmm...
EB: crash bandicoot?
CG: OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT.

Zelda
John makes a Zelda reference one time. Possibly a fan of the series.

SPOILER: Click to show

EB: it is so sweet, i look like link, if zelda was a quest about an elf scientist.
EB: i am the wind waker. it's me.

Television

Night Court
A comedy about a courthouse starring Harry Anderson. Harry Anderson was also a street magician, and the "Wise Guy" book John has is about him. John's a pretty big fan.

SPOILER: Click to show

You never really understood what Caveney's relation to Anderson was, or why he wrote this book about him. His ambivalent attitude toward your favorite magician in these anecdotes always struck you as a little weird, and to be honest, you tend not to read much of the text in the book. You mostly like to look at the diagrams for all the cool tricks.

Oh yeah, that's right. The old HOLE IN THE ACE trick, interestingly enough, pertaining to punching holes in cards and making them "disappear" and stuff. Your hands were never really strong enough to make this one work all that well either.
But actually... this gives you an idea.

EB: i got the idea from harry anderson.
TT: Who?
EB: uh, you know the show night court?
TT: No.
EB: oh.
EB: well bottom line is...
EB: he's awesome
EB: that's really all there is to say on the matter!

Doctor Who
Not sure if John actually watched Doctor Who, but he makes a vague reference to it.

SPOILER: Click to show

GT: what does your time machine look like? a phone booth? phone booths are a popular thing for some reason.

Star Trek
John makes a few references to Star Trek, too. It seems like he's into light Sci-Fi based on a lot on the language he uses when talking to trolls.

SPOILER: Click to show

EB: like, trolls are more violent and angry, right? kind of like klingons or something, which is an angry race of alien savages from a human tv show.

JOHN: all i see here is a bunch of giant windows, and a lot of warp speed whooshy nonsense.

Anime and Manga

Anime
John definitely knows about anime, as evidenced by his attitude to Strider shades.

SPOILER: Click to show

they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro's dumb pointy anime shades.

Manga
Again, John definitely knows about manga, and has favorite series. (Although, his comment to Jade could be taken humorously since idk, it sounds a little like when people jokingly say "just like in one of my animes", but that could be me reading into it too much.) It's also worth noting he uses the incorrect pluralization here, haha.

SPOILER: Click to show

EB: well, i saw you once in a neat outfit...
EB: it was kind of like you were torn from the pages of my favorite japanese mangas.

Gurren Lagann
Since Bro's shades basically look a lot like Kamina's, John could be referencing this show with the aforementioned "pointy anime shades" line.

SPOILER: Click to show

they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro's dumb pointy anime shades.

Sailor Moon
John knows about this show at least enough to make a vague reference. Whether he actually watches it it pretty uncertain, though. Probably not since he calls them "the sailor moons" instead of "sailor scouts". And also because he calls them "lame".

SPOILER: Click to show

it's like we're a super hero team, or some kind of anime squad. like the sailor moons, i guess, but not as lame, or as sexy.

[Kat]

So I've been accumulating a lot of stuff for my John reference sheet recently, and I figured I should share some of my "wisdom", I guess? This is supposed to help with John's general mannerisms. Like, quirk, vocabulary, etc. Take what I say with a grain of salt! All roleplayers are going to have slightly different interpretations of a character, after all. But this should prove useful to people.

Oh, and I should warn you. This will probably get a little long. I get carried away with quotes. So, without further ado...

[align=center]How John Talks[/align]

Quirk Information

SPOILER: Click to show

It'd probably be best to start with his quick. John type in lowercase! His punctuation and crammer is perfect though, aside from the capitalization.

Remember your end punctuation! John usually uses them, though there are exceptions. He tends to drop them in certain cases. He'll also use large groups of !!! or ????? to emphasize a point sometimes. (Notably with Vriska, he'll use 8 from time to time.)

He doesn't use exclusively lowercase. He'll use all caps FOR EMPHASIS or FOR SARCASM sometimes:

EB: your unpleasant face is what kicks ass!
EB: or DOESN'T, more like.

EB: i told you rose
EB: i TOLD you about stairs!

JOHN: oh HELL no.

EB: wow, FASCINATING.
EB: ??????

EB: HAHA DAVE,
EB: I THINK ALL THIS LAUGHING MADE ME POOP IN MY PANTS TOO HARD.

EB: VERY FUNNY ROSE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Smilies

SPOILER: Click to show

John uses smilies, but VERY SPARINGLY. It should be noticed that in canon, John has NEVER used :B and so it should be avoided, really. His most used seems to be :(

JOHN: :(
JOHN: so, they blew up the sun, and now they're dead?

JOHN: and now that i think about it, most of them were ruined by imps. :(

AG: She was hurt in an accident.
AG: I killed her myself to put her out of her misery.
GT: :(

AG: Well, thanks John. That's nice of you to say. 8ut let's face it, it doesn't fucking matter anymore, since our whole race was wiped out!
AG: May8e for the 8est, when you think a8out it.
EB: :(

EB: but it's my dad's car :(

EB: is my magic chest on the roof now??
TT: Yes.
EB: :(

He also uses :) :C D: ;) and on one occasion, 8O:

EB: rose my piano!!!
EB: :C

EB: oh no
EB: D:

AG: This was my custodian.
GT: 8O

EB: hehe... yeah me too. :)

GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)

Roleplay

SPOILER: Click to show

John isn't one for roleplaying in the same way Nepeta, Terezi or Jake are. He doesn't use *s. But John will signify action sometimes using / He usually uses all-caps to denote roleplay actions, but not always. He's inconsistent.

EB: /ROLLS EYES
EB: /EYES SUSPSICIOSLY
GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)
EB: /raises eyebrows

Chatspeak

SPOILER: Click to show

For the most part, John doesn't use chatspeak. But there are a few abbreviations he does use.

EB: (j/k it was actually lame.)
EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.
EB: jk haha.
EB: btw, you will marry dave.
(i am just kidding around, btw.)
EB: oh, btw...
EB: w/e.
i know you lolled so hard at that movie.

Laughter

SPOILER: Click to show

John uses both "hehehe"/"heheh" and "hahahaha". He doesn't really favor one over the other, using them both a lot. Maybe "haha", a tad more.

EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad!

EB: hahaha.
EB: oh god.
EB: SO LAME.

EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!

EB: hahahahahaha!
EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying!

EB: told you bro!!!!!!!
EB: hahahaha.

EB: hahaha!
EB: i was punking you dude!

EB: HE HE
EB: HA HA HA HA HA

EB: hehe... yeah me too. :)

EB: gotcha! hehehehe

EB: heheh, i am just joking around, of course.

EB: heheh. car cat. that is how i am saying that.

EB: heheheheh, your dad was a crab monster?

Oh, and John uses (hehehehe) a few times after having successfully pulling off a prank.

AG: Ok. Til next time, Mr. Anderson.
EB: (hehehehehehehehe)

CG: SEE, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PRO, YOU CAN'T OUT TROLL ME SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND STOP TRYING.
EB: (hehehehehehehehehehehe)

Swearing

SPOILER: Click to show

A lot of people have John down as the type to rarely swear, but he actually does it a fair bit! Not just when he's angry or panicked, either. He seems to use "shit" and "shitty" more than anything else.

JOHN: oh. well that was quite a ruse then. that son of a bitch!

EB: serves them right for ruining my posters. the bastards.
TT: Which posters?
EB: don't you see? my sweet movie posters. look at them, they're fucking ruined.

EB: fuck!!!
EB: rose, this is all oil! it'll all just explode any second, won't it???
TT: I don't think the fire's rate of propagation is quite as fast as you're imagining.
TT: But the danger is still significant.
TT: Especially considering that your bed is sinking.
EB: fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!

JOHN: do you think the afterlife is just fucking with us, jade?

JOHN: ok, well, if you want to turn our squad into a fucking joke, then that's your business.

EB: how much do you need?
TG: all of it
EB: oh, fuck that!!!

EB: friendship isn't an emotion fucknuts.

JOHN: jaspers, holy shit, another cake?

EB: man, look at these shitty stairs...

EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?

JOHN: i forgot, trolls hate cleaning products for some alien reason! shit, that's going to make everyone so uncomfortable.

EB: yeah no shit!

EB: ok but anyway, who cares about his terrible shitty drawings and meddlesome romantic schemes!

JOHN: that is absolutely the shittiest ghost buster i have ever seen.

EB: psyche!!!!!!!!!
EB: oh damn, that was 9 !'s.
EB: !!!!!!!1
EB: shit!
EB: never mind.

Words and Expressions

SPOILER: Click to show

John vocabulary isn't quite as advanced as characters like Dave or Rose. He uses mostly pretty ordinary language for a kid of his age!

A preteen, words like "dude", "lame, "sweet", "rad", "awesome" and "dumb" are used pretty frequently. But you know, don't overdo it. Oh, and he's a kid. He uses some politically incorrect insults. He says "gay" and "retarded".

EB: pff.
EB: laaaaaaaame.

EB: ha ha, it sounds like you have a really lame culture.

EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.

EB: OH YES, SWEET!!
EB: now we're talking!

EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.

EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.
TT: The rabbit?
EB: SO SWEET.

anyway, have a good one buddy! and stay busy being totally sweet!

EB: so kind of totally busted i guess.

EB: wow, yeah you're totally not trolling me, bro!

JOHN: ok, that sounds awesome.

EB: oh, and screw you, typheus is an awesome browser!

i just wanted to take a break from telling you how much your gay butt stinks all the time and say what an awesome friend you are.

GT: oh gosh.
GT: so rad.

EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!

GT: pff, i know i'm dumber than rose, that is not much of a burn, dude!

EB: that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard.

EB: he's so dumb!!

EB: i am not bitter! i just think your plan is dumb.

One of the expressions he uses the most is "man" or "oh man". He says this a LOT. I can't emphasize this enough.

JOHN: oh man, that's great!

EB: hurrrrr oh man what a burn!

EB: man...
EB: i knoooow.

EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying!

EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?

EB: man, look at these shitty stairs...

EB: oh man...
EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!

EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that!

EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?

EB: oh man.
EB: he sounds like such a handful.

EB: man, i've got to say i'm a little disappointed by this "masterful trolling" you were bragging about.

EB: oh man.
EB: this is it, isn't it?

EB: oh, man.

EB: i guess if there is nothing i can say to change your mind, and it's something you really have to do, then i understand.

EB: oh man, you have a hacker??

oh man... you mean, they're here?!

John also uses "kind of" and "i guess" a lot. It can make him sound a tad uncertain about what he's saying, even if he isn't actually.

EB: kind of, um... spooky?

EB: it is really kind of...
EB: awkward.

EB: especially when they act kind of nefarious!!!

i am kind of caught off guard.

i'm kind of babbling.

EB: yeah, it kind of does.

EB: that sounds kind of awesome.

EB: so then, this is how we're supposed to meet. that is kind of exciting.

EB: but it's kind of hurting my head to think about!

but now you are kind of giving me the creeps!

what? you sound kind of upset. what is it, rose?
are you getting aggravated that i am talking to you kind of like you are a dog?

EB: so kind of totally busted i guess.

EB: yeah, superman is pretty cool, i guess.

EB: fine.
EB: i GUESS.

EB: i guess in your future.

EB: i guess that's not all i'm talking about.

EB: i guess i'll make this rocket now.
EB: and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick.

EB: i guess i just started worryin'...
EB: that you are getting away from us!

i guess i am a little nervous.

EB: it's pretty neat, i guess.

EB: it is like, when a boy likes another boy.
EB: or i guess hates, in this case.

EB: but that's pretty cool i guess, seeing as you are an alien.

EB: ha ha, i guess...

EB: ok, that...
EB: SORT OF makes sense, i guess.

EB: well then, thanks, i guess?

EB: i guess i had no idea how different we really were.

John uses words like "jeez" and "gosh" too, but not as often as a lot of the fandom presents. He usually just uses swear words.

EB: oh jeez, i dunno.
EB: never mind.

EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!

EB: jeez, spinneret.

EB: oh gosh, i'm sooooo sorry!

GT: oh gosh.
GT: so rad.

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I’m not a role player, but this is really really cool to read!!! Great job on getting all this info, I completely missed his use of smiles and frownies.